...give me my snickers...

hungrysoul

hey tabulas, im back.

and you're giving me hell. you see, i was trying to pour out myself after almost 2yrs of ignoring you. and yet, you chose to blow off my excitement.

but i promised to deal with things in a better manner. so fine, ill give you another chance.

let me just take a quick breath.

anyway, what i was trying to say is that its been quite awhile since the last time i had an entry here. if not for my long chitchat with mel last night, you wouldnt have come across my mind. (and i just found out mel has been outpouring herself all this time writing about this intriguing guy!)

so much had happened the past years. i've had lots of good memories, but of course, the bad ones were catching up too. ive had my share of frustrations at work (whats new?), ive had dilemmas between selfishness and selflessness, emotional and even mental crisis at times, and all those crap an average psycho encounters.

but ive made new friends. i made an effort to widen my perspective. i acknowledged the cynic in me and that i had to slowly lose it. i learned that at times, swallowing your pride is the best thing you can do, and most of all, i've discovered how to give yourself away without the feeling of holding back.

work still drives me crazy. i just had my 5th year last august 9th. there was nothing big that day, but deep inside, i got this crazy feeling for being able to stay for 5yrs in the company. friends at work have plans on how to go about their lives after 5yrs in convergys, and i was quite envious of them. me? i still didnt know what to do. ive been such a scatterbrain all this time that i dont know where i would be in the next 5yrs. but definitely, no more additional 5yrs with this crappy old job. one more year should be enough.

but thank God, i got my life outside work. and so far, all is going well. the idea that after 11hrs of workshit, im with the man i want to be, makes my world a whole lot better. it makes me feel that sanity is something i can still get hold of. God knows how messy i would be if my life is all about work and stupidity. i've been there and i dont want to go back.

of course, my relationship had its challenges too. after all, both of us are not perfect. but little by little, i accepted the fact that there are just things i cant change. people make mistakes. he was fucked up in the past, and i was in some ways too. but i realized that acceptance is the only key to make our relationship work. after all, he's made alot of effort to make up for the things that upset me, both past and present. and he still does until now. he might not have said it, but his actions are speaking for himself. so there, i guess he's earned where we're at right now. and anyway, i wasnt a perfect bitch to begin with.

anyhow, im still such a lazyhead. i still got no load most of the time and most people hate me for it. i even think that i lost a couple of good friends because of not having the energy to buy load to text or call them.and it would be one of my new year's resolution again come 2010.

im still very good at cursing. even one guy at the office mentioned that i curse more than the other women. and i found it embarassing thats why i make a conscious effort to sound proper sometimes, but hell, some things are just better said in an offensive way.

my churchlife is still in a very bad state. its even zero right now. i made some efforts to go back a coupla months before, but work just keeps me busy and some other things. and something would always come up that would hinder me from going back to the meetings. the people around me see me as one of them. no spiritual glow or whatsoever can they find in me. and i feel so sorry for myself.

im going oldschool with music. please, i dont want any akon or jayz music in my ipod. i even wished that i was already born when rock and roll was in. or when marvin gaye was a hit. my agents keep singing a britney song that i've not heard of. and for them, im some weirdo from mars.

i still got a dog whom i adore. but its not kikay. kikay is with doug and she's happy there. so i made up my mind that she should stay where she's at if i really love her. anyway, titus (a rottweiler) had just turned 1yr old 2wks ago. he didnt have any idea about it of course, and i wished that in this sense, im like him. he's such an adorable dog and would always want to give me a hug.

i dont know what else to say. but let me end this first official blog after 2yrs by saying that i found peace. yes, peace is a profound word, but lets say i got a piece of it. there's this place inside me that i can jsut go back and forth to. this piece of peace (sounds weird) gives me strength, warmth and assurance.

i dont know what the future might bring. but im open to the fact that this 'peace' i have can be taken from me anytime.

but right now, i own the moment. and i linger to it. let me be...

i miss you tabulas. after all, you were there during my worst moments. u helped me express the pain inside me. you've listened, and you understood.

now i want to share the best moments of my life with you. you deserve it. 

hungrysoul

 From dusk till dawn.

hungrysoul

November 21, 2007 

this goes to the one i considered as my one who got away...

i realized it was too early for me to say you're that person i would suddenly think about while in a middle of eating a meal with all the might have beens the world has that i can ever think of.

you were someone i wanted to be with before. you were someone i would trade my life with just to have you. i was once crazy over you. with reasons i could never exactly tell.

it must be with the way you made me laugh. it must be because of how you treated me. it must be because i became happy when i knew you. or maybe because i just fell in love with you.

but i realized that love takes more than that...

good things aside, you were such a pain in the ass. you've caused me many sleepless nights thinking about where to place myself in your life. you made me feel like an idiot hoping i could win the battle and you will be the prize. 

you were someone i thought would always be special to me. actually, you are. but little by little, the feeling is slowly vanishing to the point that you will become extinct later on.

right now, i see you as a pest. you remind me of how pathetic i was before.

maybe this is just a phase.

*continued - December 8, 2007

maybe this is what really life is all about. People just come and go... Some are being remembered and cherished while the others are just meant to be forgotten.

last month, i considered you a pest. this time, you're just like someone else... someone who used to be part of my life once.

time to time, my feelings toward you changes. maybe we could be good friends later on.

but i thank you for the experience. it has made me a better person.

hungrysoul

so here i am again. im gonna drain myself with tabulas while the temperature in the office gets colder and colder. its just like one of those moments where i am immersed in my own world i dont care whats going around.

so much had happen the past few weeks. i was not able to keep track of it in tabulas since i was so overwhelmed at work. i had a couple of free time but i chose not to spend it with tabulas. i dont know... maybe because i didnt know how to put into writing my emotions and sentiments. or i was just trying to avoid facing the reality. a reality that can be written and read.

allan had been asking me if i am okay. so he's noticed. of course i am okay. i cant be not okay! but lately, im disoriented with the way ive been thinking thats its even obvious with my text messages. and i easily get piss off (and im sorry for those who were affected).

as far as i can remember, i got depressed when ive heard that i didnt get the promotion. actually, promotion is not a term, or maybe it really is. but its definitely stepping up to the next level. so i guess thats promotion at all. some of my friends got the job which made it more upsetting. i mean i dont have anything against them. in fact, i am very happy for them because i know they deserve it. but i couldnt help asking myself what do they have that i dont.

ive made significant changes to my life the past three months. after much internalization, i realized i wasnt productive at work and as a person. so i made a radical change with my lifestyle. i tried to be more open and to be a little more sociable especially to those im not really close with in the office. i always pay attention to what my boss says and have been trying harder to accomplish the things i needed to do. but i didnt intend to do this for promotion. i just wanted to be a better person. i just wanted people to know i can do a whole lot better.

and then come the the TL levelling. i didnt really care about it. i mean i know i got alot of areas to improve on. and im slowly addressing those oppotunities i have to work on. but come the results for the new TL II batch, i wasnt able to manage the thought i wasnt included on the list.

at least i was able to share my sentiments with someone who felt the same way. at least its not just me who felt the same way. and i felt better. but still, i couldnt help thinking why i didnt make it. and why she didnt make it.

but i kept telling myself that its alright. maybe not now; definitely at the right time, it will just come to me.

i didnt tell allan about how ive been feeling right away. i didnt know how to tell him because i know he will be very sad for me. i didnt want him to see me failing. again. but i had to tell him later on.

my depression must be the reason why i didnt have much stamina. but i realized that its only myself who can motivate me. not allan, not my friends, not even my boss, or anyone. they can help me ease the burden but depression can still be there.

i realized how good it is to succumb myself into depression. i always try to pamper myself, i can just eat anything i want without feeling guilty. that must be why i've been craving for anything cold and creamy recently. so ive been thinking, is that what an indication when i'm depressed? am i one of those typical girls i see in the movies who would endulge their selves with chocklits or anything creamy? hay... i must be.

at least there's a positive outcome with that happened. aside from knowing where i stand right now in terms of work, i was able to get to know myself better...

but im okay now. i decided that its done and over with. i took everything as another challenge i can overcome...

hhmmm... another ice cream please.

hungrysoul

To:  University of the Philippines Board of Regents

We, Iskolars ng Bayan, parents, faculty, alumni, concerned sectors and individuals demand the UP administration and the Board of Regents (BOR) to JUNK THE SYSTEM-WIDE TUITION AND OTHER FEE INCREASES (TOFI).

TOFI denies majority of the people access to UP education, and signals the intensified commercialization of the university.

We firmly believe that UP should guarantee access to quality education to bright Filipino youth, regardless of their financial capacity. We do not need to hear each and every account of those who have deferred enrollment in the University for us to realize how the TOFI pushed UP education farther from the reach of the people. It should not be surprising to hear how we lost bright students to other state universities and private tertiary institutions for the simple, yet compelling reason that education there is more affordable than in UP.

We decry the unjust burden that the TOFI has placed on the freshmen and their families. Raising the necessary amount to pay the new tuition rate in UP has severely strained the finances of the Iskolars ng Bayan and their families whose incomes could not even be sufficient for basic needs. Some have resorted to getting loans and even the outright sale of their properties just to meet the financial demands of this year’s enrollment.

We believe that such unjust policy was illegitimately and forcibly passed. It was railroaded by the BOR amidst strong opposition from the UP community, and denied the presence of the Student and Faculty regents in its passage. The UP administration only holds on to bogus consultations to support its basis to approve the TOFI policy.

We denounce the imposition of TOFI as it highlights the intensified commercialization of the University. The TOFI manifests the commercialized concept of education as a commodity accessible to only at a price. It is a perfect example of a state institution being pushed by the state itself to generate income from its constituents in lieu of the decreasing state subsidy.

We call on the UP administration to avert from the state policy of continued neglect to education. We affirm our fight for greater state subsidy. The government should and can provide higher state subsidy. What it lacks is the will to prioritize the needs of the people as their primary constituents. Decades of experience has shown that this demand is attainable with the entire community marching as one.

Junk TOFI!
Stop commercialization of UP and education!
Fight for greater state subsidy!
Assert our right to education!

Sincerely,

The Undersigned

 

(your signature would matter. click on word "The Undesigned" above or this:  www.petitiononline.com/JunkTOFI/petition.html

or google tofi!)

NO TO UP TUITION FEE INCREASE!

hungrysoul

August 9, 2007
Thursday

Three years nako sa convergys...

Am i gonna celebrate more anniversaries with my wavemates?

Is this what i want???

3 years of tears and joy!

now lets leave it at that.

hungrysoul

Life is not fair. Ill start with that.

I once tread your path. And you know it. I was once a lost sheep wanting to be loved and cared. I longed for a realationship... a relationship that i have been dreaming of. And i knew it would make me the happiest woman in the world when that happens.

And did you know that you were the one who made me found love again? I was never pessimistic with it though. But i felt so hopeless, seems that love has no room for me. But i kept my sanity because i knew that love will find me. And it did. Unexpectedly. But it worked. And Im happy.

And its all because of you.

Now i know how you totally feel. I know the pain you're carrying. And so i asked myself. Why do we always fall for the wrong person? Or if not, why does it have to happen at the wrong time? Why should there always be a flaw? Cant we just fall for someone and be happy?

I used to love the song which goes, "we have the right love at the wrong time..."

Oh yes, love doesnt come easy.

It happened to me twice. I fell for someone who was involved in a serious relationship. I knew it all along but i still pursued. And it was so hard for me to get back to where i started. The heartbreak was devastating. And worse, I didnt know how to move on.

It happened three times. I am that pathetic.

I did some thinking along the way. I realized i was unconsciously pressured by the people around me, the things i see on TV or with the books i read. I wanted to be part of the trend. It seems that you are more accepted when you are in a steady relationship. It seems that more people can relate with you when u have a boyfriend.

Damn societal necessities.

What you're in right now is normal. I mean, who doesnt wanna be loved? Who doesnt wanna have someone to bug with because you want a cup of icecream in the middle of the night? Who doesnt want someone to cry on or tell your silly stories to? Who doesnt want to have someone to text or call with every now and then?

I guess its the best feeling the world can ever give anyone.

But hey, its okay... You're gonna be okay soon.  Trust me. You are a strong woman. And you are not stupid.

In its own sweet time, love will come. He might not come as a knight in a shining armor, but he will definitely love and will take care of you.

So let me go back to where i started.

Life is not fair. Love comes when it has to.

For now, look around you. Have fun with your friends. Appreciate the good things in life.  (Naks!)

I love you sis... No matter what. 

hungrysoul

i have a headache. i had too much sleep.

the other night, i slept at 9pm and woke up at 7am. i slept again at 5pm the same day and woke up 1030pm last night.

NOW THATS WHAT U CALL  REST DAY.

argh.

hungrysoul

this is how my life runs at work.

when i get up, its past 1130pm. i always set my phone to alarm me at 1130pm. but most of the time, i get up at 12am. and worse, i sometimes get up at 1230. and my shift starts at 1am. good thing the office is just a walk away.

when i get to the office, i have to look for a station. if its the weekdays, there's always a scarcity of stations. but im still able to get a station at 1am. but heck, there are days when im affected with the annoying seat shortage in the site.

when i take a seat, the show begins. i have to pull up all the necessary tools which is amazingly alot. i need premiere, p2k, sview, iex, cms and quickcomm for my team's chatroom. sometimes, it takes a while to pull it up due to alot of tools being pulled up together at the same time. then i have to pull up crdb to check for my agents AHT and productivity. darn.

and when all my agents are invited in the chatroom, they would start bugging me for updates or if they have some questions just about anything which i am required to answer. them bugging me is part of my daily life. or else, its gets boring at the office.

and while chatting with them and checking how they are, (and did i mention that i also have to motivate them to work efficiently for the rest of the day?), i have to pull up my email which definitely has at least 20 new messages sent while i was off my shift.

if i dont have backlogs or pending reports to make from the previous day, then i can start doing my RTMs. or coordinate with MOD for my coaching slots. usually, my slots are plotted on the early part of my shift. and usually, i follow my slots. but there are just alot of things to think about that sometimes, i cant start on time. or i have to wait for the agent since he's not done with the call yet. and i wait and wait. tik. tak. tik. tak.

and without realizing it, its 430 am already. lunch. usually, i just sit on my station and do my reports. or i have lunch with some TLs at the pantry. or jolibee (but i always try not to go to jolibee because the food there is too junk). so i dont have a choice but eat pantry food. sometimes, they have good food though. but as my agent mentioned, it only happens once in a blue moon. although the pantry concessionaire is better than we had before, they still suck. i dont wanna keep eating porkchop everyday.

but at least we have tempura at the lobby right now. i dont really like tempura, especially the ones availalbe on the street. but the tempura at the lobby is good. and i love the sauce! last week, its what ive been eating for 3days while im at the office! hik. and we have thirsty shakes now too! but it seems inappropriate to drink shake at 430am. brrr.

when my agents are back from lunch, im back to business. my agents dont get stations easily at around 530am. and the floor is so busy and noisy.

i have to go back to my RTMs again if im not done with it yet. and most of the time, im not. so i still have 4 hours or less to do it. then coaching. or back to my reports again. or assist my agents. or apply adjustments. or send necessary emails. or meet with OM. and a lot more.tsk tsk!

when the shift ends, i still have to stay in the office for my scrubbing. or do my reports again.  then encode my RTMs or finish applying escalated adjustments.

i usually go home at 1130 or 12noon. and sometimes, im still at the office at 1pm. and my shift ends at 10am! but if i go home early, it doesnt seem right. to go home late seems to be an invisible rule for us.

this is how it works everyday. i feel so stressed out most of the time. and i always have mouth sores. according to the doctor, a mouth sore is an indicator of stress.

with my job, you either can be ugly or pretty. you become ugly with the tasks and all or transform into a prettier girl with how much you're getting. you can be rich or poor - poor because u spend more than with what you are earning or rich because you can save alot.

but definitely, with my 2yrs as a TL, i've learned alot. aside from creating styles on how to joggle with all my tasks, not to mention the deadlines to beat and the pressure from my manager, i've made friends ties with the people ive worked with. i was able to appreciate a Team Leader's job. and i was able to improve as a person.

i realized that i can do it....

o cge na, cge na... undang nang drama.... uli nako. more than 10 hours nako sa office.